She Will Be Loved
Yes, that Maroon 5 song was in my head this morning. Actually, I think the band was in my dream last night. Or maybe it was just the song. I vaguely remembered something about the dream this morning in the shower (where my dreams from the night before usually pop-up), but I don't remember at all now.
My weekend was very interesting. Lisa and I had a fun time Friday night. We just went out to eat and had some drinks and talked all night. The night ended at this college bar that has 85 cent Shiner Bock drafts ... so that spelled trouble! The next day, Jay and I hung out and went all over town just for the hell of it. Over a cocktail, we decided that it would be fun to go to a palm reader ... so we did. Mine wasn't that interesting -- long life-line, love life is good, but I have questions, financial situation will be better by the end of the year, etc. Jay's was very interesting, since he is so closed off. She told him that he keeps his emotions to himself (very true), will "find himself" and peace soon, will go back to school very soon (which I think he already is), and find love soon. I don't believe in palm reading, but it made for good conversation afterwards. I don't understand why he doesn't talk at all about his personal life, he says that he doesn't like to feel vulnerable. I find that to be sad. Here I am, obviously a good friend that he can trust, and he can't tell me the simpliest of things. I'm perplexed. Anyway, the big shocker was when he told me that he had his tongue pierced at one time! Wow! Just amazes me that someone with such conservative looks would do that.
Sunday was awash ... I was worried about my interview on Monday all day long. I went with Lisa and her friends to see Duran Duran that night. It wasn't bad at all. After all of these years, they still sound good. I ran into one of my music buddies there, Matt. He was there with his wife. I haven't seen him in a while. He used to sing lead in a local pop band. He writes some great melodies, it'd be great to see them get back together.
The interview went well on Monday ... even if only 1 out of the 3 people I was supposed to meet with was there. I think I have a good shot at this job. The sooner the better.
You Learn
I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone, I certainly do/I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at anytime/Feel free/Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)/Hold it up (to the rays)/You wait and see when the smoke clears. Give her a break, Alanis was only 20-21 when she wrote that, so she still had a lot of growing up to do. Waking up to that song this morning made me remember what a phenemon that album (Jagged Little Pill) was. I can still go back to it every now and then and still enjoy it ... even though some of the songs haven't aged as well as others. Oh, on a funny note, I saw in the news yesterday that Alanis became an American citizen. It's funny how a star will criticize the U.S. left and right, and then become a citizen. I'm sure it's to take advantage of our lower taxes (compared to Canada) -- what a hypocrite.
Yes, I'm finally back. I can't believe its been almost 2 months since I stopped blogging. Reading my last posts, its sad to think how many things have not changed! I'm still at my job, though I believe the end is near. Good news is, I've had some good interviews, even second interviews, so all is not lost. Things with Lisa are going well ... however, I'm having doubts about marriage ... it may just be cold feet. The thought of commitment to one person for the rest o fmy life is scaring me. It's nothing against her, I love her and she is great, I just don't know.
Lisa and I are doing something tonight, not sure what. Maybe a movie or something else low-key. House stuff tomorrow, and hanging with Jay tomorrow night. Sunday, its to my parents house to celebrate Alissa's belated birthday, then we're going to see Duran Duran -- her idea, not mine, I promise.
In My Own Mind
I get up in the morning/I drink a cup of coffee/I look out of the window/I try to get it started/I turn it all over/Plow it all under/I plant 'em in the springtime/Pick 'em in the summer. Another morning song in my head this morning (Lyle Lovett). Man, it was hard to get out of bed. The temperature dropped 25 degrees overnight with this new cold front -- the blanket felt great!
I live in my own mind/Ain't nothin but a good time/No rain just the sunshine/Out here in my own mind/I live where I can breathe/Ain't nothin but a cool breeze/Nobody that it won't please/Out here where I can breathe. Spend the night at home, fixing my computer. I finally was able to get my PC to recognize my CD-ROM drives again, thank God. I can't live without those!
James called me last night at 11pm. He was out of town on a business trip and wanted to hear a friendly voice. He said "I could really use you now," meaning my good words and friendship. I'm the friend he goes to when he feels down and needs to feel better about himself. Probably because he knows that I always give him praise, which I shouldn't so freely. He told me that he had a rough holiday. His mother asked him if he's seeing any special girl right now, and he reminded her that he was gay, to which she responded "Oh, I thought you'd be over that by now." I'm surprised that she still doesn't get the fact that this is not a phase. I mean, it's been obvious to his friends since high school that he was probably gay, but I guess it's tougher for family to come to that realization.
This is where I get honest. Yes, James is the person that I experimented physically with. We first messed around 15 years ago, and continued off and on past college. I do not consider myself gay or even bisexual, because I don't have a desire to do that with any other guy. Honestly, even in high school, I didn't see James as one of my "guy friends" -- he was always in a different category. We've always had a strange relationship -- very competitive for our first 10 years of friendship, but it has evolved into a support friendship. We don't have many similar interests, nor do we have any similar friends, but we can still connect somehow. We have an emotional attachment with each other that will probably last forever. This may complicate things when I get married or when he finds his life partner, but I'll deal with that when it comes.
Hardwood floor creakin'/Bedroom door squeakin'/She's standing in the kitchen/I thought she was still sleepin'/Kiss her on the forehead/Asked her how she slept/She says, 'honey it's so early,/We probably shouldn't speak yet. I love that verse.
Alice
Early to rise, early to bed/In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head. Talk about a long forgotten TV show. The theme song from the 70's sitcom Alice was in my head this morning (most like due to the first line of the song). Going through life with blinders on, it's tough to see/I had to get up, get out from under and look for me. It's hard to get out of bed after 4 1/2 days off - especially when you have to go back to a hell-hole of a job. Overall, it was a good Thanksgiving -- spent time with the family and then took a roadtrip and stayed a few days with Lisa's family. All in all, a very good holiday.
However, instead of spending time discussing this, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind since I've returned -- that's my recognizing who my real friends are. I was talking to an online friend last night about my frustrations with my old friend James. As I stated in an early post, he's known for canceling on dinner outings, etc., but he calls me at least once (if not 2-3 times a week) late in the evening, just to "catch up." Sure, we see each other about once a month, but that's usually because I stop by his place. He never comes to mine (even though he's been invited), won't make commitments to have dinner (though he seems to be able to make those commitments to other friends with no problems), etc. My online friend made me start thinking about how much of a waste of time it is for me to be worried about him. That's going to change today.
I've been blessed with a great girlfriend, Lisa. She's one of the best things to happen to me. I've also been blessed with true friends -- including Kyle (probably my best friend) and the other friends I met in college and have grown closer to over the years. There are a few other true friends, too. I know that if I ever needed someone, there's at least half a dozen people I can call who would do anything for me -- that's amazing.
So I need to stop spending time worried about friendships of those that are questionable -- mainly James and Jay. I have more self respect than that. Of course, if they need me, I'll be there for them, but I'm not going to be used or manipulated. There's more to this story than I can write here, so you'll have to fill in the blanks where you see fit. All I know is that I'm truly blessed and thankful to God for the blessing.
I will try to get on a more regular posting schedule now...
World Where You Live
When friends come round/You might remember and be sad/Behind their eyes is unfamiliar/Do you climb into space/To the world where you live. It was just a matter of time until I woke up to a Crowded House song. This song reminds me of my friend Jay. He's been very strange lately, I think I was getting too personal with him the last time we were out. I can't help it, it's the "big brother" in me again. I get the feeling that I've asked him too many questions -- he quickly changed the subject again and hasn't been around as much lately (the questions weren't that deep either, just "so are you thinking of going back to school?", "how's the lovelife?" and "are you still thinking of moving?"). I'm beginning to think that I don't know the world where he lives -- literally. I worry about him.
It's finally cold down here in Houston. The high today is only in the 50's, which is like a mid-winter's day for us. Lisa comes back into town today, and we have a busy schedule this weekend -- dinner with her friends tonight, charity function tomorrow night, and a BBQ with her friends on Sunday. Oh, and I found out that I offered myself to help a friend's friend move tomorrow morning. I was asked over my 3rd glass of wine -- I don't think that's fair. Talk to you next week.
----QUESTION---
Does anyone read this? If so, please just leave me a quick comment. Thanks!
Bite Your Tongue
Such an annoying conversation/I'm sorry but I'm tired of trying/To be some picture of compassion.../and anyway it sounds like I'm lying.../and yes I've heard the words has conspired/To steal away your god-given right/To a happy home and comfortable children/Next you'll sue them for abandoning you. I love the lyrics to this morning's earworm, from Duncan Sheik (remember, the guy who sang "Barely Breathing" in 1997?). It's basically a song about self-pity, and how you should just get over it. I find a need to take the lyrics to heart myself sometimes. I take life so seriously and worry over the smallest things, I have to remind myself that "I'm not the only one"
Oh, christ...it's gonna sound like I'm agreeing/With the most ultra-boring ideas/Of pops psychological western gurus/Who haven't gotten lucky in years.../and so you see I have no intention/Of giving you the easy way out/yes I'll smile as I burn the self-help section/Of my local bookstore. I had lunch yesterday with my friends and old college buddies Kyle and Kenny. We're planning a guy trip to our old college town late next week. One of my female friends thinks that we're going to be disappointed and feel old after seeing all of the young ones there. I don't think so. We still act like 21 year olds when we're together. ;-) Seriosuly, it'll be a nice getaway -- do some golfing bar-hopping, and remininscing with the boys.
Blame the shapes and blame the angles/Blame it on your own dark planes/If you blame on something other.../The victim's somg remains.../Bite your tongue/You're not the only one/Who's been let down/Bite your tongue/Maybe it's good for you/To hit the ground. Today, I'm going to a luncheon with this business association that I belong to. These monthly meetings are supposed to be good for networking, but I spend most of my time trying to get away from vendors who want my business. I've got to do mroe networking, my current job is definitely depressing me. I feel less of a man. Wait ... bite my tongue..
