In My Own Mind
I get up in the morning/I drink a cup of coffee/I look out of the window/I try to get it started/I turn it all over/Plow it all under/I plant 'em in the springtime/Pick 'em in the summer. Another morning song in my head this morning (Lyle Lovett). Man, it was hard to get out of bed. The temperature dropped 25 degrees overnight with this new cold front -- the blanket felt great!
I live in my own mind/Ain't nothin but a good time/No rain just the sunshine/Out here in my own mind/I live where I can breathe/Ain't nothin but a cool breeze/Nobody that it won't please/Out here where I can breathe. Spend the night at home, fixing my computer. I finally was able to get my PC to recognize my CD-ROM drives again, thank God. I can't live without those!
James called me last night at 11pm. He was out of town on a business trip and wanted to hear a friendly voice. He said "I could really use you now," meaning my good words and friendship. I'm the friend he goes to when he feels down and needs to feel better about himself. Probably because he knows that I always give him praise, which I shouldn't so freely. He told me that he had a rough holiday. His mother asked him if he's seeing any special girl right now, and he reminded her that he was gay, to which she responded "Oh, I thought you'd be over that by now." I'm surprised that she still doesn't get the fact that this is not a phase. I mean, it's been obvious to his friends since high school that he was probably gay, but I guess it's tougher for family to come to that realization.
This is where I get honest. Yes, James is the person that I experimented physically with. We first messed around 15 years ago, and continued off and on past college. I do not consider myself gay or even bisexual, because I don't have a desire to do that with any other guy. Honestly, even in high school, I didn't see James as one of my "guy friends" -- he was always in a different category. We've always had a strange relationship -- very competitive for our first 10 years of friendship, but it has evolved into a support friendship. We don't have many similar interests, nor do we have any similar friends, but we can still connect somehow. We have an emotional attachment with each other that will probably last forever. This may complicate things when I get married or when he finds his life partner, but I'll deal with that when it comes.
Hardwood floor creakin'/Bedroom door squeakin'/She's standing in the kitchen/I thought she was still sleepin'/Kiss her on the forehead/Asked her how she slept/She says, 'honey it's so early,/We probably shouldn't speak yet. I love that verse.
Alice
Early to rise, early to bed/In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head. Talk about a long forgotten TV show. The theme song from the 70's sitcom Alice was in my head this morning (most like due to the first line of the song). Going through life with blinders on, it's tough to see/I had to get up, get out from under and look for me. It's hard to get out of bed after 4 1/2 days off - especially when you have to go back to a hell-hole of a job. Overall, it was a good Thanksgiving -- spent time with the family and then took a roadtrip and stayed a few days with Lisa's family. All in all, a very good holiday.
However, instead of spending time discussing this, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind since I've returned -- that's my recognizing who my real friends are. I was talking to an online friend last night about my frustrations with my old friend James. As I stated in an early post, he's known for canceling on dinner outings, etc., but he calls me at least once (if not 2-3 times a week) late in the evening, just to "catch up." Sure, we see each other about once a month, but that's usually because I stop by his place. He never comes to mine (even though he's been invited), won't make commitments to have dinner (though he seems to be able to make those commitments to other friends with no problems), etc. My online friend made me start thinking about how much of a waste of time it is for me to be worried about him. That's going to change today.
I've been blessed with a great girlfriend, Lisa. She's one of the best things to happen to me. I've also been blessed with true friends -- including Kyle (probably my best friend) and the other friends I met in college and have grown closer to over the years. There are a few other true friends, too. I know that if I ever needed someone, there's at least half a dozen people I can call who would do anything for me -- that's amazing.
So I need to stop spending time worried about friendships of those that are questionable -- mainly James and Jay. I have more self respect than that. Of course, if they need me, I'll be there for them, but I'm not going to be used or manipulated. There's more to this story than I can write here, so you'll have to fill in the blanks where you see fit. All I know is that I'm truly blessed and thankful to God for the blessing.
I will try to get on a more regular posting schedule now...
World Where You Live
When friends come round/You might remember and be sad/Behind their eyes is unfamiliar/Do you climb into space/To the world where you live. It was just a matter of time until I woke up to a Crowded House song. This song reminds me of my friend Jay. He's been very strange lately, I think I was getting too personal with him the last time we were out. I can't help it, it's the "big brother" in me again. I get the feeling that I've asked him too many questions -- he quickly changed the subject again and hasn't been around as much lately (the questions weren't that deep either, just "so are you thinking of going back to school?", "how's the lovelife?" and "are you still thinking of moving?"). I'm beginning to think that I don't know the world where he lives -- literally. I worry about him.
It's finally cold down here in Houston. The high today is only in the 50's, which is like a mid-winter's day for us. Lisa comes back into town today, and we have a busy schedule this weekend -- dinner with her friends tonight, charity function tomorrow night, and a BBQ with her friends on Sunday. Oh, and I found out that I offered myself to help a friend's friend move tomorrow morning. I was asked over my 3rd glass of wine -- I don't think that's fair. Talk to you next week.
----QUESTION---
Does anyone read this? If so, please just leave me a quick comment. Thanks!
Bite Your Tongue
Such an annoying conversation/I'm sorry but I'm tired of trying/To be some picture of compassion.../and anyway it sounds like I'm lying.../and yes I've heard the words has conspired/To steal away your god-given right/To a happy home and comfortable children/Next you'll sue them for abandoning you. I love the lyrics to this morning's earworm, from Duncan Sheik (remember, the guy who sang "Barely Breathing" in 1997?). It's basically a song about self-pity, and how you should just get over it. I find a need to take the lyrics to heart myself sometimes. I take life so seriously and worry over the smallest things, I have to remind myself that "I'm not the only one"
Oh, christ...it's gonna sound like I'm agreeing/With the most ultra-boring ideas/Of pops psychological western gurus/Who haven't gotten lucky in years.../and so you see I have no intention/Of giving you the easy way out/yes I'll smile as I burn the self-help section/Of my local bookstore. I had lunch yesterday with my friends and old college buddies Kyle and Kenny. We're planning a guy trip to our old college town late next week. One of my female friends thinks that we're going to be disappointed and feel old after seeing all of the young ones there. I don't think so. We still act like 21 year olds when we're together. ;-) Seriosuly, it'll be a nice getaway -- do some golfing bar-hopping, and remininscing with the boys.
Blame the shapes and blame the angles/Blame it on your own dark planes/If you blame on something other.../The victim's somg remains.../Bite your tongue/You're not the only one/Who's been let down/Bite your tongue/Maybe it's good for you/To hit the ground. Today, I'm going to a luncheon with this business association that I belong to. These monthly meetings are supposed to be good for networking, but I spend most of my time trying to get away from vendors who want my business. I've got to do mroe networking, my current job is definitely depressing me. I feel less of a man. Wait ... bite my tongue..
Birdhouse in Your Soul
I'm your only friend/I'm not your only friend/But I'm a little glowing friend/But really I'm not actually your friend/But I am. I feel productive! I ended up staying around the house this week. I got a lot done in the yard and made some long overdo repairs. It was a beautiful weekend, but I didn't feel like going out of town by myself. My parents came over, too, and helped some. I need to invite family over more (not just for help, though!).
Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch/Who watches over you/Make a little birdhouse in your soul/Not to put too fine a point on it/Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet/Make a little birdhouse in your soul. Only They Might Be Giants could write a catchy little song about a nightlight. Yep, "Birdhouse in Your Soul" is about a nightlight. There's a picture opposite me/Of my primitive ancestry/Which stood on rocky shores/And kept the beaches shipwreck-free/Though I respect that a lot/I'd be fired if that were my job/After killing Jason off/And countless screaming Argonauts/Bluebird of friendliness/Like guardian angels it's/Always near. Just so damn clever.
Meant To Live
We want more than this world's got to offer/We want more than the wars of our fathers/And everything inside screams for second life/We were meant to live for so much more. I finally bought the almost 2 year old CD from Switchfoot, The Beautiful Letdown. I like "Meant To Live" (my morning earworm), the song after that, and "Dare You To Move". I'll have to give the others time. They're not the type of band that I would just flip for, they don't seem to have anything special, just another pop-rock-alternative band. However, they seem to have some good melodies and decent lyrics.
That was the first CD I bought in over a month. Man, I need to get XM so I can be exposed to good new music. However, this is helping my pocketbook some!
I'm still trying to figure out this weekend and what to do. Lisa and I have a date tonight, then she's off for a girls weekend. I'm struggling between staying at home and refinishing my deck and working in the yard, or taking a roadtrip to the hill country. The weather is going to be perfect! So I just need to decide how to best take advantage of it -- fun or work. ;-)
You Should Be Dancing
I apologize for being sporadic on these posting lately, I've been really busy. I tried to blog yesterday, but my PC wouldn't let me. So, you get me today ... on the day when I wake up with the Bee Gees. That's scary in itself. Even though "A Night at Studio 54" was the first record my sister and I received (in 1978), I truly hate disco music. The revival of the 70's in the 90's was enough to make me puke, too. I'm truly and 80's child. ;-)
Ever since W officially won the election yesterday, I've been scanning liberal websites, including Michael "Moron" Moore's and Barbra Streisand's, to see what their reaction was. Moore's was predictably bitter, Babs had nothing to say, and the rest wee just shocked. I read one posting on a Democrat website that said the following:
"So long as the South continues to be less educated, continued higher divorce rates and have a smaller economy than the money makers on the West Coast and North East, they'll continue to vote Republican. The irony is, the 'educated' states such as Mass. NY, Conn, California, Washington etc. places that have higher taxes but also have better education, white collar job growth and higher standard of living are democrats, something the South just doesn't seem to get."
My response was:
"This statement displays one of the largest problems with the Democrat party -- not understanding the true America. That first line is very elitist. Also, coming from Texas, I know for a fact that education, divorce, and economics has nothing to do with who you vote for. As a matter of fact, from my experience, I think the less educated in the South tend to vote more Democrat. I've visited some of those blue states in the past two years, I see more problems there than I do here in Texas (race is the biggest difference, race relations are much better in Texas than they are in "less educated" Texas). In closing, I think it's the elitist thinking ("you need me and government to get you through life") that will ultimately do the Democrats in."
Uggh, I get so tired of it. Thank God it's over. I guess it's time to focus on 2008 ... (I'm pulling for Condi Rice!).
Election Day
Maybe it's because I didn't get much sleep last night and was grumpy when I woke up, but I didn't have an earworm this morning. That's very odd. So, let's just pretend that my earworm was "Election Day", the 1985 hit by Arcadia, a Duran Duran spin-off band. Not the best of songs by any mean, but it was rather damn catchy back in those days. And, of course, its fitting. :)
I'll be leaving work an hour early today so I can vote. I was originally planning on voting this morning, but my boss wanted to make sure that someone in our department was here at 8 AM, so I switched. She is such a worry-wart and micro-manager. The world would not end if no one was here for the first hour. She has become a pain ever since the merger was announced. She acts like chicken-little. It puts all of us on the edge. Also, she's kissing ass so much that its sickening. I can promise you that anything positive I've done this past year is NOT getting communicated to her superiors.
While I'm on the work subject, I just have to bring up another point. This is going to sound bad, I know. I'm the only male in my department. It's tough being the only male. Men and women have a different outlook on the work environment, for the most part. Now that I work with all women, I have found myself having to think of things that I never thought of before -- is it my turn to bring candy? Did I compliment a co-worker on a new hairstyle? Did I offend anyone with my e-mail? Gawd, I hate it. One of my co-workers has a bad marriage (it was bad before they even got married). Whenever her husband calls, she totally berates him on the phone in front of us. She raises her voice when he calls so everyone can hear her make an ass out of him (he may be an ass, I don't know ... And I don't care). I'm ready for a more professional environment.
Since Lisa's out of town, I think I'm going to hang with some friends tonight and watch the election results. I need to be with people while I'm doing that so I won't get frustrated. I sound bitter today, don't I? Sorry.
One
Society blind by color/Why hold down one to raise another/Discrimination now on both sides/Seeds of hate blossom further/The world is heading for mutiny/When all we want is unity/We may rise and fall, but in the end/We meet our fate together. I'm not a big Creed fan, but their first album (My Own Prison) from the late 1990's, had some thoughtful lyrics. Many with religious undertones. Nevermind the fact that they sounded like a total ripoff of Pearl Jam. But I digress. This morning's earworm "One" has the great above verse in it. It makes me think of tomorrow's election. I truly believe that most people, including myself, see our nation as color blind. The problem is the media and specialty groups who try to divide us by color. Those specialty groups, in my opinion, include many liberals. Listen, I don't care if you're black, hispanic, asian, white, whatever ... we're all God's children. Period. So when I see politicians try to divide us (i.e., the Democrats running to the black dominated churches to spread their hatred), I get very frustrated.
I'm not sure how the election is going to turn out tomorrow. My bet is that we won't know the results to late Wednesday, at the earliest. My prediction is: if Bush wins by a small margin in one of the battleground states, lawsuits and recounts will begin. If Kerry wins by a small margin in one of the battleground states, he'll become president. Why is that? Republicans have more class. Us conservatives see this race as important, but if we don't win, life goes on. The same is not true for many liberals, who see the presidential seat as a throne for the king. We know that Kerry does become president, and screws up our national security or economy, we have the House and the Senate to put him back in place.
Enough politicing. This weekend was good. Broke even at my poker game with friends Friday night. Went to a college football game with Jay Saturday. The awesome Texan game with Alissa Sunday, and went trick-or-treating with her neice that evening. I'm exhausted though. I plan on staying home tonight, kicking back and watching the SNL political special. OK, maybe I haven't gotten my full fill of politics yet. ;-)
