The Captain
Well I don't have as many friends because/I'm not as pretty as I was/I've kicked myself at times because I've lied/So I will have to learn to stand my ground/I'll tell 'em I won't be around/I'll move on over to your town and hide. Australian country singer (yes, there is such a thing) Kasey Chambers wrote and performed this song ("The Captain"). It is such a great, but sad song. Kind of put me in a melancholy mood this morning.
And you be the Captain/And I'll be no one/And you can carry me away if you want to/And you can lay low/Just like your father/And if I tread upon your feet you just say so/'Cause you're the Captain, I am no one/I tend to feel as though I owe one to you. I had a nice relaxing night alone at home last night. Only person I talked to was James, my old high school friend. He are really totally different these days, but we still keep in touch. He's gay, which is no big deal to me, but I worry about him. He seems unhappy. I don't think he's dating anyone, but I think he's still in love with this guy that's in another relationship. He's been in love with him for well over 10 years. This guy seems to string James along some, making him think that there's a possibility. However, James can be rather manipulative, too.
This got me to thinking: Is there really such a thing as a long-term gay relationship? Here's my two cents on the whole thing: Guys are selfish and untrustworthy by nature. This is why the male-female relationship works best -- the females bring out the best in us. They make us want to strive for better. I know a few gay men, and from hearing them talk, it seems like unfaithfulness and selfishness runs amok, more so than hetereo relationships. Everything seems to start out great, with a mighty bang, but goes down hill rather quickly.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting anyone down. Actually, while I think we are meant to be with the opposite sex, I think it's normal for same-sex feelings to arise at some point in most people's life -- especially for us men, since we're just looking to please ourselves. I'll admit, I've been there before, and even experimented -- but that's for another discussion. I just think there are reasons that God planned for men and women to be together, and not just for procreation.
I totally rambled today, sorry about that. I just hope James is alright. Hopefully we'll get together and talk soon. As for this weekend, its poker with one of my best friends (Kyle) and his neighborhood buddies. We haven't hung out in a few weeks, so that will be cool. Tomorrow night, it's the UH Cougar game with Jay. Sunday, it's the Texans game with Lisa, then trick or treating with her niece. So, a sports-filled weekend. But it should be fun.
Is It Still Over
Is it still over? Are we still through?/Since my phone still at ringing, I assume it still ain't you. Man, they don't make country songs like they used to. I love that line from that old Randy Travis song. I was bugging Lisa this morning, singing it while I got out of the shower and she was still sleeping. (A woman who puts up with her boyfirend's earworms is amazing).
Our trip to Washington was fun. It was a much needed getaway. It was nice to go somewhere that actually felt like Fall and not summer. The leaves were beautiful. I wish I got more picturs of that. Seeing the original Declarartion of Independence and the Constitution at the National Archives put chills down my spine. I've seen it before, but I'm now old enough to appreciate it. On the comments book in the archives, someone wrote "It was good to see the Constitution before Bush totally tramples over it." Man, some people have a narrow view of the country -- and of the Constitution.
Respect
R-E-S-P-E-C-T,find out what it means to me.R-E-S-P-E-C-T,Hey Boy, T-C-B. Ah yeah, waking up to the Queen of Soul, thanks to Lisa. She had to hear that song last night on the way home from watching the Astros. She needed a pick me up. What a horrible game. Actually, just the last half was horrible. Our guys could not hit last night. Boston may think they had a curse, but I think Houston's is worse. Our teams always get so close, only to disappoint at the end. Maybe that's why we're sometimes called "Choke City." Still, the Astros had an amazing ride this year. Now we have the remaining Texans games and the Rockets to look forward to!
I have so much to do before I leave for DC in the morning. Wash a load of clothes, pack, etc. Plus, I'm meeting Jay for dinner tonight. I don't want to cancel on him since we haven't hung out in a month. It will be great to catch up, I miss our talks on music and politics. Since he doesn't like to talk about his personal life, that's mainly all we discuss. Man, I wish he would get over that.
Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me/Oh things are gonna happen naturally/And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side /And balancing the whole thing/But often times those words get tangled up in lines/And the bright lights turn to night/Until the dawn it brings/A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me. Why is it that I usually awake to softer earworms? Maybe since its so early. I mean, do you really want to take up with "Welcome to the Jungle" in your head? This Jason Mraz song is beautiful, so you'll have to put up with me putting in more lyrics than normal.
and it's okay if you have go away/just remember the telephone works both ways/and if I never ever hear it ring/if nothing else I'll think the bells inside /have finally found you someone else and that's okay/cause I'll remember everything you sang. Well, the Astros lost last night, they have one last chance tonight. With Clemens pitching, I feel pretty good about it, but, like Boston, Houston seems to have a problem coming through in the end. Maybe we'll be as lucky as the Red Sox ;-)
Cause you and I both loved/What you and I spoke of/What you and I spoke of/Others only dream of the love that I love. I'm getting excited about the trip. It's already taking my mind off my other issues (somewhat). Jay and I are finally going to get together either tonight or tomorrow. I hope I have the guts to be honest with him. He seems to back away when I bring up personal issues, but I'm tired of us beating around the bush. We're friends, and we need to talk like friends if we're going to keep the friendship together. He's a great guy, just very insecure. See, out comes the big brother in me, I feel like I should help him on his insecurity. I don't know why, it's not my job. I think I was meant to be someone's big brother. ;-)
On the political front, here's some "staggering" news ... Kerry wins by a landslide on MTV's Rock the Vote. Wow. Imagine that. MTV fans voting for a Democrat. That's not news, that's the same ole... It doesn't matter who's on the Democrat ticket, it could even be Saddam, he would still win the Rock the Vote poll. A Republican never will. Come on people (and kids), think for yourselves. Really look into issues and candidates stances on them. Their TRUE stances, not the crap they say on TV.
I Met A Girl
I met a girl I'd like to know better/but I'm already with someone. First off, this morning earworm from the band Wheat has nothing to do with my life now. :-) Such a catchy song, but I heard the album sucks. So download it from iTunes for 99 cents.
The interview went very well yesterday. It turns out that this recruiting company specializes in contract jobs, though the one they are having me interview for next week is a direct hire. The position sounds similar to what I am doing now. My interview with the actual company is next week. They asked me if I liked hunting and fishing -- come to find out, the guys I will be interviewing with are big outdoorsman. I love the outdoors, but not necessarily to catch or kill anything. Oh well, I can act with the best of them.
Lisa and I finalized our trip to D.C. last night. The hotels are more expensive than I thought. I'm going with a clear mind, though. It will be a nice getaway. We're staying near DuPont Circle, which is supposed to be a happening part of town. I doubt I'll see W there ;-)
Speaking of, I'm getting so tired of politics. It's bad on each side, but worse with the Democrats, in my opinion. They talk down to people as if they are idiots -- saying that the Republicans will reinstate the draft (which is an interesting comment, considering that the Democrats proposed it a few months ago and no Republican voted for it), take away your health care, and bring back slavery (an exaggeration on what they say, but that's the basic point). Democrats have taken the general public for granted for three decades now. Anyone with half a brain can see through their b.s. Feel free to comment.
How's It Gonna Be
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore/Before you take a swing,I wonder/What are we fighting for? I'm feeling a little bit better this morning, most likely thanks to half a Xanax before I went to bed last night. I don't like taking medication, so I rarely do -- however, I needed something to calm my nerves. I have way too much on my mind right now. This includes:
1) An interview I have today with a recruiter. It's a precursor to an interview she obtained for me next week with a healthcare company.
2) My job situation in general. I know I'm going to be laid-off sometime between now and June 2005.
3) My money situation. I'm spending more than I make. I re-figured my budget, but its still tight. #2 above makes this matter worse
4) Lisa. She's waiting for that ring. I know that she's the one, why am I scared to make that move?
5) My friend Jay. He's been so distant lately and we've become such good friends over the past two years. I don't know what's going on and he won't tell me. I need his friendship right now, too.
I wonder how's it going to be/When you don't know me/How's it going to be/When you're sure I'm not there. I know I can get through all of these things, I've just never been presented with so much at once. #2-4 on that list is enough to drive someone insane. The good news is, the Astros won last night, in the bottom of the ninth. One more win to go, then it's to the World Series, baby! (lyrics above courtesy of this morning's earworm from Third Eye Blind)
Another Monday morning. Just before the flood comes/Just before the night falls/Just before the blood runs Into the valley/Just before my eyes go/Just before we can't go no further/Love throws a line to you and me. If you've never heard Patty Griffin (those lyrics are from that song off of Impossible Dream, my morning earworm), you are truly missing out. She can sing with such conviction and sadness. She is truly amazing.
The weekend was good -- the Astros won both playoff games and the Texans beat the Titans :-) My biggest stress point came at the end of the weekend. See, Lisa and I have been talking about going to New England at the end of this month for quite some time. She booked the flight and rental car a couple of months ago -- but that was before I found out about the upcoming layoffs and the huge increase on my monthly mortgage payments (thanks to local taxes). I recently refigured my budget -- it's going to be almost impossible to go through a month with money left over -- even without this trip.
She really wants to go, and I owe it to her. She (and my parents) think it would be a nice getaway for me to help relieve some stress. They may be right, but right now my stress comes on doubly strong when I think about the cost of this trip (over $1,400 for the two of us, and that includes the free flight we get). I gave in yesterday when we were making our final decision. She has agreed to pay for more than half of the trip, since her expenses are much lighter than mine (no mortgage, rent nor utilities). Still, even if I paid for just 25% of the trip, that's still going to put a huge burden on my account. And if I comeback from the trip to a pink slip here at work, that will only make matters worse.
Part of me wants to just grab some camping gear, plus a couple of books, and go to an isolated place by myself to ease my mind and get my life together. That's not fair to her, though. I'm really stuck on this one.
Float On
Alright don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy/We'll all float on alright. A song that took me a while to enjoy ("Float On" Modest Mouse), but once it gets in your head, it's hard to get it out -- just like this morning. It's fitting that songs with "everything's going to be OK" lyrics keep popping up, so many threatening things are happening in my life right now that I need some inspiration. You know about my job situation, but I also found out yesterday that my mortgage is going up $150/month because of the new appraisal of my house. I'm already spending more than I make each month, it's time to cut back even more.
Lisa really wants us to go to New England in two weeks. I want to go, but I have a hard time thinking about it because of the money and job situation. I just don't think it makes sense to go now. Plus, we've gone on many trips this year, more than I usually do in one year. She and I are going to have to have another heart to heart about this this weekend.
So Jay calls me last night to say he can't go watch the game because he has a flat tire. I don't believe him, and that's awful. He just has such a bad track record of lying to me that my first instinct is not to believe him. For a long time, I've tried to keep our friendship inline without worrying about the lying, but I don't think I can anymore. Next time we do something, I'm going to have to bring it up -- friendships should show mutual respect.
I ended up meeting Kenny and Mike at that sports bar again to watch the Astros lose. Man, I hope the Astros can get their act together by tomorrow. My Dad and niece's birthday party Sunday is all I have planned for the weekend. After last weekend's adventures, I'm kind of glad. I have no plans for tonight, which always concerns me. I don't know why I have this need to always be out on a weekend night. I have plenty to do at home. I think it's a combination of restlessness, fear of loneliness, and fear of missing out on something.
Rocksteady
Marc Broussard is a relatively new artist out of Louisiana. He's a white guy in his early 20's, but from listening to his new CD Carencro you would swear he's a 50-something year old black man. This is first full-length major label debut -- more commercial sounding than his EP he released last year. There are some good (but polished) bluesy-rock songs on here that really showcase his voice. My earworm this morning, though, was his catchy, poppy, very-commercial-sounding song "Rocksteady," which I'm sure will be his next single. Throw away lyrics on this one, so I won't even go through it.
I watched the Astros-Cardinals playoff game and the debate with friends last night. Astros lost, so I'm bummed. Jay and I are going to go somewhere to watch game 2 tonight, hopefully they will turn it around. The debate wasn't much better. W did a better job, but I still found myself talking to the TV and giving him pointers on what he should say. Either W is doing much worse than he did in 2000 or Kerry is a much better debater than Gore was (it's probably the latter). Yes, I'm more on the conservative side fiscally and somewhat socially, but there are things that the Republican party believe in that just make me cringe (like the whole stem cell thing, get off it!). I'll save my political rants for another time.
It's a beautiful day here in Houston -- sunny and 70 degrees. You got to enjoy these days while you can. Unfortunately, I have a little upset stomach, but hopefully it will go away. That's all for today, sorry for being so shallow. ;-)
Trying to Throw Your Arms Around the World
Six o'clock in the morning/You're the last to hear the warning/You've been trying to throw your arms Around the world. Nice earworm to wake up to this morning, from U2's 1991 CD Achtung Baby. I'm anticipating the release of their new CD (How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb) next month, though I'm trying to not get my hopes up. Chances are, it won't be as good as 2001's All That You Can't Leave Behind. That was such a great comeback album for them. I've downloaded the first single "Vertigo" from iTunes, but I still haven't transferred it to my iPod yet (that probably shows my enthusiasm for the song).
I love Fall weather in Houston, what little we have of it. My top is down on my Jeep and the ride home was amazing. I also went for a jog on the jogging trail near my house ... perfect! Finally had a productive night at home -- got some clothes washed, called my cousin in Illinois and caught up with him, and finally called one of my best friends from college, Rick, who now lives in Kansas with his wife and 2 children. We haven't talked in over a year, which is way too long. I'm hoping to plan another ski trip with him soon.
A woman needs a man/Like a fish needs a bicycle. I still love that line from that U2 song. Yeah, I know it's an old feminist saying. I don't believe that line to be true, though. As I get older, I realize how much men need women and vice-versa. Believe me, I struggle with it because I love my independence, but the thought of having a woman by my side through thick and thin is amazing. This really comes to light when you go through tough times like I am now. It's nice knowing that I have someone else to help lift me up.
Everyday
Everyday - it's a gettin' closer/goin' faster than a roller coaster/love like yours will surely come my way. My morning earworm was, unfortunately, the cheesy James Taylor easy-listening version of this Buddy Holly classic. Life is a roller coaster, and I've been riding it non-stop for the past two weeks. No new news on the job front. I'm going to step up my efforts today and make some follow-up calls. My boss is out of town, and things are slow here, so that should allow me more time to job search.
Everyday - it's a gettin' faster/everyone says go ahead and ask her/love like yours will surely come my way. No surprise, my friend James called late yesterday afternoon to cancel dinner plans -- he had an upset stomach. I wasn't very sympathetic on the phone, and I'm sure he could tell. It's hard to be sympathetic when he cancels 9 times out of 10. He "rescheduled" for tonight. I'll wait to hear from him, but, if something else comes along, I'm going to jump on it, I'm not waiting around.
Everyday seems a little longer/every way - love's a little stronger/come what may - do you ever long for/true love from me? His cancellation was actually a blessing in disguise. My college buddy Kenny called (10 minutes after James) to see if I wanted to watch the Astros game with him at this sports bar. I almost forgot that the final division game was tonight. So I went, and 3 other buddies showed up, too. Yes, we beat the Braves 12-3 :-) It was an awesome game! I need to go jogging today to work off the chips and queso and beer.
(By the way, those lyrics have nothing to do with today's post, I just thought I would throw them in)
Gold in the Sunset
My ears were still ringing from the Bob Schneider show the night before, which is also why I awoke to his song "Gold in the Sunset." Friday night was the beginning of the fast-paced weekend. Brent's rehearsal dinner was rather interesting -- the bride and groom didn't even sit together! Their whole wedding setup has been strange from the get-go, though. They didn't have ushers, they only had 3 groomsmen and 4 bridesmaids, invited 250 people to the wedding and only 70 or so showed up, open bar at the afternoon reception, but beer only, no wine, etc. Brent's mother was so happy to finally meet me -- she lives in east Texas, but still, it's hard to believe that I've known him for 9 years and never met her.
As far the Schneider concert, it was very good, and crowded. It was a definite sellout at the Engine Room. I've decided now that I don't like seeing shows there -- standing room only, can't get to the bar easily, and people just drop their beer bottles on the ground so you can easily trip. Damn, maybe I'm just getting old (it was quite loud, too!). It was nice to hear him play some of his old politically incorrect songs from his Scabs days.
Lisa and I decided against the Greek festival Saturday night due to time, so we went and had a very nice dinner out on the patio of Annabelle's in the Heights. I brought a bottle of Merlot, the weather was perfect, making for a very romantic night. After that, we met my co-workers at the Mucky Duck for the Paul Thorn show. This guy is really funny! Musically, he's average, but the show was worth it. We hung out for a while afterwards and one of my co-worker coerced us into going to Lola's, this dump of a bar, for a nightcap. The place smelled of urine. Luckily, we only had time for one drink there.
Ever since I bought the Everything But The Girl DVD last week, I've been listening to their CD Like the Deserts Miss the Rain more, so it's now surprise that their "Piece of my Mind" was in my morning earworm Sunday. Very interesting song, one person explains it was the "feminist version of 'Cats in the Cradle'". I can't find a link to the lyrics, so you'll have to find out for yourself.
Lisa and I barely made it to the Texans game at noon. After being out until almost 3 AM, it's needless to say we were exhausted. So, we skipped out on the tailgate and met my friends at our seats. Great game -- Texans were down by 21 points, and came back in the last quarter to tie it up. Of course, they lost in overtime, but it was still a great try. Spent the evening relaxing at home -- how nice!
"Crazy on You" from Heart was Monday's earworm. Why? I have NO idea. I was a willow last night in my dream/I bent down over a clear running stream/Sang you the song that I heard up above/And you kept me alive with your sweet flowing love. Ahh, how sweet. Whatever. For a 70's rock song, it's still pretty good. The weather is magnificent here. I got my car washed at lunch and my Jeep will be topless for the remaining week! Man, I wish I could skip out of work, drive to the hill country and go camping. (I may get that wish with a pink slip -- oops)
I talked to my old high school friend James last night. Once again, he said "maybe we can do dinner one night this week." Yeah right. Everytime we talk about doing that, he cancels. He's so unreliable. I laughed when he said that and told him that I'm not planning anything again with him unless he's committed to going. So, we're supposed to go eat tonight. I'll let you know what happens. I really don't care one way or the other, we usually run out of things to talk about when we meet. We are both so different now. But, we both still have this need to keep connected...
Captain Kirk
No surprise that I woke up with a Bob Schneider song in my head this morning ("Captain Kirk") since Lisa and I are going to see him tonight at the Engine Room. We're going to meet my co-worker Josh and his girlfriend there, I think Lisa will like them. Anyway, this will be our second time to see him live this year. We saw him at the Mucky Duck a few months ago and he put on a great show. Lisa's never seen him with a full band, so I think she'll like this.
It's a shame that ol' Bob hasn't caught on with the mainstream. His new CD I'm Good Now is definitely the best pop-rock record of the year. Oh well, what do you expect from the mind-numbing music industry these days. I guess his music is too good for radio. Oh, we ran into him at the Finn Brothers show in Austin, so it's good to know that Bob has excellent taste. ;-)
This is going to be a marathon weekend. Tonight starts with Brent's rehearsal dinner and then the actual rehearsal. Then to downtown for Bob Schneider afterwards. Tomorrow, I'll have to wake up early to make it to the church by 10 a.m. to do my groomsmen duties. The wedding and reception should be over by 4, giving me a couple of hours of rest before Lisa and I go to the Greek Festival and then to the Mucky Duck for yet another concert, Paul Thorn. Then Sunday, it's the Texans game at noon. Whew. Maybe I should take a day off Monday to rest!
You Still Touch Me
Woke up with Sting's "You Still Touch Me" in my head this morning. After thinking about the lyrics, I don't think it represents much at all. At least it's an upbeat, mostly positive song. However, it got me to think about the worst CD purchase I made this past year -- Sting's Sacred Love. What has happened to that guy? I think he's focusing on writing for another Jaguar commercial instead of writing decent songs.
Yesterday turned out to be better than expected. I wasn't laid off, so that's good. I guess I'll be hanging on a little longer. I'm just tired of working in this rumor mill. It gets old quick. It's kind of funny, we were told about our merger with another company, and how that may lead to layoffs, on my 4th anniversary here. I told some friends that it was like your spouse telling you on your wedding anniversary that she's thinking of divorce. Then, everyday that you come home to her (or work, in this case), it's miserable, knowing that the inevitable is around the corner.
There are many other similarities between work and a relationship. I can't be 100% on the prowl for a new job, I still have to concentrate on my current job while at the office (just like a guy can't be on the prowl for a new relationship while you're still committed to your spouse ... but it doesn't mean that you can't start looking!). I did receive a phone call yesterday from someone who saw my resume on Monster. It sounded legit at first -- marketing health care, right up my alley. However, after talking to her some, I figured out it was a vitamin selling pyramid scam. Great.
Lisa comes back today, it will be good to see her, it's been a while. We're hoping to go to the Greek Festival tonight (it's that season to eat food on a stick!), but the 90% chance of thunderstorms may keep us away. I need to think of an alternative plan. It really doesn't matter what we do, it will be nice to just be together. Uggh, that sounds so cheesy.
Dare You To Move
I have the (un)lucky pleasure of constantly having a song in my head (those are called "earworms," in case you didn't know). I wake up every morning with a song in my head. Sometimes, that song represents what I am currently going through in life, but most of the time it's just a random annoyance. This blog will be a daily journal of those earworms and what they do (or don't) represent. This morning, my earworm was personal.
Current hit "Dare You To Move" by Switchfoot was in my head when I awoke this morning. At first I thought, "how appropriate, after yesterday, I don't want to move out of this bed. Yesterday at work, it became clear that the layoffs that will be happening at my company will come sooner rather than later. It also became clear to me that I will much more than likely be one of the ones given a pink slip. With the helpless, self-doubting feelings I was going through all day Tuesday, staying in my bed sounded like the best option.
Welcome to the planet/Welcome to existence/Everyone's here.../Everybody's watching you now/Everybody waits for you now/What happens next. How fitting. When I finally got myself up (after 3 hits to the snooze button) and into the shower, I started thinking more about the lyrics to that song. I dare you to move/I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.../Like today never happened/Today never happened before. Some inspiration, I needed that. Seriously.
You see, I've never been through a layoff before. I've never been fired before. Every job I've left has been on my own accord. I've done well at my company, was promoted quickly, and received some fair raises. I made enough money (barely) to buy my first house by myself. I've been with the company for over 4 years, and didn't see myself leaving for quite some time. How things change when the SEC investigates the corporate office for accounting fraud (don't worry, I'm in Marketing) and the stock loses half its value. Welcome to the fallout/Welcome to resistance/The tension is here.../Between who you are and who you could be/Between how it is and how it should be.
Yes, I'm a music freak, but I'm not too familiar with Switchfoot. I know they are hot right now and that they are a "Christian-lite" rock band. Maybe redemption has stories to tell/Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell/Where can you run to escape from yourself?/Where you gonna go?.../Salvation is here. between this job situation, my relationship with Lisa ("when are we getting engaged?!") and other personal life struggles, maybe this is what God wanted me to hear. It's good to start this blog off on an interesting note. For all I know, the Starlight Vocal Band may be in my head tomorrow. Let's pray that it won't.
